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Before school, I pridefully set up my Mars and Pirate Lego sets on my desk. When I returned, smoke was rising from the Mars Rover, and the Black Pearl had capsized. "Who did this?" I scanned the room. Hmmm, I was *sure* my Buzz Lightyear toy was on the top shelf when I left. Now he was sitting down on the second shelf. And his laser arm looked a little singed. I've always believed my toys had a secret life when I wasn't in the room but now this confirmed it. Raggedy Ann's yarn hair was a bit singed too, and Buzz Lightyear's slight smirk signaled a conspiracy far beyond my understanding. I set up motion detectors in the room. Sure enough, I saw that the Tickle-Me-Elmo Mob was against the Action Figure Elite. At first I blamed these visions on the 146th time I watched Small Soldiers, but then Action Man and Ken climbed my bed one night and threatened to unleash Stretch Armstrong, if Elmo wouldn't stop sexually harassing the other toys. Elmo claimed they were friendship hugs, but Optimus Prime, GI Joe and others reported that the hugs lingered too long for that and besides he clearly had a tickle fetish. The court psychiatrist listened patiently. Can you show us where Elmo touched you on this Barney doll? Optimus Prime hesitated which let the prosecution (sexual harassment victims are the ones on trial these days) to sink their teeth in. Optimus couldn't feel anything, they argued. Elmo's tickling crime was no laughing matter, the prosecution agreed, but sexual harassment? Pu-leeze. Not when Optimus invited Elmo's advances by poking him repeatedly with a green banana.The attorney joined in poking Optimus with a mango. The black market sex tape made them all millions. It is called "Fruity Toys go Wild!" if you are looking to download it.